The pain flows out of me as a blood river of pain and suffering. No matter how much I cut. No matter how much I escape the pain is there. It eats you. It loves to eat you alive. It thrives on your righteous self-loathing. I can only escape the burden of living in short, bloody flicks of the wrists.
Words flow out of me like the blood flows out of my wrists
The self righteous loathing, the longs nights when I lose grip
She looked at me so different than before
Our childhood dreams lay raped on the floor
The leaves on the trees all twisted and black
Only one way for the burden of the living to be lifted off my back
“There are too many roads,” Catherine sighed as she got out of her car. Being an intelligent and somewhat eccentric girl, she lived a different reality than that of her peers. It had been a long day for Catherine. She didn’t have the twinkle in her eye her now former classmates have the evening after graduation. She knew things weren’t going to be much different at the school she was attending in the fall. Catherine was on edge today. Paticularly more on edge than usual. She was happy she was never going to see her classmates again. She knows she will spend the night alone playing piano and reading. With a smile, she hoped she was lucky enough to wake up tomorrow and hear about a carful of soon-to-be college-freshmen dying in a drunk driving accident out on the road. She walked apathetically to the modest house and went straight to her room. She didn’t even greet her father doing work on his laptop. They didn’t talk much anymore.
Looking in her mirror she noticed her frown lines looked particularly angry this day. She was attractive. She was a bit taller than most girls. Her pretty blonde hair and pretty brown eyes lied about how dead and empty she felt this day. She examined herself more. She wasn’t always this way. Catherine was a happy girl growing up. She lived a good childhood and was happier than most. That was of course before her parents got divorced and her mom shot herself.
She was unique. She was a storm. She was an undiscovered coral reef. Her intellect was ever expanding. Expanding faster than she could adapt. What separated her from other people, besides her odd beauty, was what people couldn’t see. Everyone holds a part of their consciousness they do not show to other. Some people have a bigger hole than others. Catherine’s form she never showed had to enveloped and tainted her mind. All the sorrow and doubts about herself and her society could not be contained, like in the mind of some of the more normal people in the world.
“The lasagna is ready,” her father yelled to her. She replied lethargically as she stepped back from the mirror. Over the course of the past few years the relationship they have had turned from father and daughter to that of disaffected roommates. They were polite towards one another of course, but never affectionate. The sadness that ripped at her soul went beyond typical teenage disillusionment. It is n unnamed yearning not yet able to be accurately personified by words.
Since the divorce her father had let himself go. It really disgusted Catherine. She had some innate fear of becoming fat. She was of a good size so she shouldn’t have had anything to fear, yet irrational thinking and having irrational fears turned into an unwelcomed pastime for her. She was a creature of contradiction, the way she despised most people yet craving friends and a relationship. It’s hard for a rose to bloom when it hides from the sun.